Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Happy New Year!

As 2014 comes to a close, I look back at this year and realized that I've had my good and bad times. There have been some nights where all I did was laugh until my belly hurt, and there have been some times where all I did was cry until my tear ducts were dry. But even though there have been times where I did wish it would all end, I am so grateful to God for bringing me through and allowing me another lesson that has only strenghtened me and brought me closer to being the woman He wants me to be.

I can feel, within my entire being, what 2015 has in store for me. I know this coming year will be so great, that I will look back and say to myself "Wow! That was so amazing, I wish I can do it all over again."  God has been amazing to me, and I feel as though I've always known that, but it hasn't been until recently that I truly realized just how amazing He really is. I'm so glad that I chose to really take the time out and focus on His love and grace, because I would have continued going through life wondering why nothing is going the way I hoped. It's because of this time I've chosen to take that I realize that I was never in control, and God has His plans so that I can eventually make the decisions to get on the path He wants me to be on. Trusting everything to Him is what gives me, not what I want, but what I need in order to grow into a godly woman. God wants all of us to be happy and to get to heaven, but it is up to us to listen to God's guidance and be guaranteed our place in Paradise.

I have had a rocky, but great 2014, and I know I will have an even greater 2015. I'm just grateful to God for allowing me the chance to see it.   

Monday, December 29, 2014

Another Lesson Learned

So I got the news yesterday morning that my grandfather, my father's father, passed away in his sleep the other night. I can't say that I'm grieving or feeling any kind of way, because to be honest the man was absent from my life. I never called him Grandpa, I always referred to him as my grandfather. My mother told me the story about how she brought me to see him, when I was a child, and he just looked at me and kept it moving, he didn't even try to interact with me or talk to me or anything. I guess ever since then he became another man who was absent in my life.

I noticed my father was walking around as if he didn't care that he lost his own father, he even used the words "We'll celebrate", and I had a conversation with him about it. "How do you feel about your father passing?" was the question I asked him. He didn't really have anything to say except that his father was pretty much an asshole. I listened to him speak about his father, and the man that he was, and the entire time I was thinking, "Wow, that sounds familiar." The next question I should have asked him was, "Do you forgive your father for being the way he was?" but the words didn't come out of my mouth.

It's sad how a cycle begins and continues. My father had a broken relationship with his father, so therefore, he had a poor role model to show him how to be a father. Maybe I should be the one to end the cycle by learning to forgive my father for being absent. I guess, if I look at it from his point of view, I'll see that it's not really his fault for being the kind of father that he was/is.

As I think about it, maybe this was the reason I was meant to come down to Florida and spend the holidays with my father. I guess I was meant to really get a better understanding of my father and why he is the way he is. I feel like my father is an asshole, and he will probably never change, but at least since I know the reason why, there's really no reason for me to keep feeling the way I do toward him. He obviously doesn't know any better, and he may be trying to fix our relationship, but if our relationship does stay the same and never changes, I know that when it comes time for me to have a serious relationship with a man and even possibly get married, I won't be dependent on that man for anything except to be a great husband and father. Pretty much what I'm trying to say is, I won't be looking to my husband to fill that "daddy-shapped hole" in my heart. It'll be easier for me to figure out the kind of husband and father the man in my life will be based on the kind of relationship he had or has with his father, and the way he feels toward his father will determine whether or not I should be serious with him.

I see that God is lining up all the lessons I need to learn in order to become the woman He wants me to be for my future husband, and also for me to know what it is I should look for in a future husband. God is good and I know He is preparing me for something great.

Monday, December 22, 2014

Just Another Woman With Daddy Issues

Having my own blog is harder than I thought. I feel as though I have been fishing for things to write about and haven't exactly been coming up with anything.I started to write about how I'm so insecure around men, the other night, and noticed that that topic wasn't exactly the most entertaining. I mean, who doesn't suffer from their own insecurities?

I just flew in on Saturday, from Jersey to Florida, to stay down here for the holidays with my father. Something must have possessed him to actually extend an invitation to me, because never have I ever spent Christmas with my father. I spent a Thanksgiving with him one year, but I think I was 10 or 11 years old, and at that time he was still living in New Jersey. I've never spent a Christmas away from my mother, since it's our favorite time of the year to entertain family. My mother's birthday is on Christmas Eve and that's when we start our cooking for Christmas. For my entire life, it's always been just me and my mother; I know no other parent.

First I was nervous to come down to Florida; a little unsure of what exactly would happen between my father and I. Then I started thinking about how close he lives to Orlando, so I figured we would have some fun things to do, like go to Disney. However, that excitement was short lived because my father informed me that my half sister (his daughter from another woman) decided last minute to come down too. I found this news interesting because the decision was "last minute". Why did she choose to suddenly come down to Florida for the Christmas, especially when I was going to be there too? She spent Christmas with our father last year and she had him to herself. She and I don't keep in touch, so we don't have any kind of relationship. Whenever anyone asks me if I have any siblings, I always say no. 

Now you may be reading this and asking yourself, "What's the big deal about spending Christmas with your half sister?" But you must understand the background story.

I'm my father's first child, he has three total and we're all from different women. Myself and my half brother (who is the second child) have grown up without him. My sister is a different story. My father married her mother, a few years after she was born, but the relationship only lasted a short time. Of course he lived with them for a while, so she saw him pretty consistently. It was even thrown in my face that he lived with her and not me (talk about low blow). My father then did what he does best, and that was run from his problems instead of face them; he moved to Florida, a whole 1,200 miles away.

This left all three of us without a father, but my sister wouldn't let go so easily. She keeps in constant contact with him, and he calls her often, even sends her money. I, on the other hand, don't get that privilege. There have been plenty of times I have thought my father stayed away from me as retaliation against my mother; whatever grudge he may have against her, he has taken it out on me. I know that's something shallow and stupid to think about, but you would be surprised about the things people do just to get back at someone else. What my mother has done is something anyone would look at and say "Well that's a stupid reason to dislike her" but I guess love, that has turned into hate, will make you do some crazy ass shit, including neglect your own child.

Oh wait, I just realized I went way off topic...

But back to me and my sister and father. She had him to herself last Christmas, why can't I have that same opportunity this year? I know I sound childish and selfish, but when it comes to the topic of my father, I guess the thought of him just transforms me back to a fatherless child. Yes, I am another fatherless daughter, and I have accepted that fact, but I would still like to have some kind of relationship with him, especially when I have the opportunity to do so. What's sad is that I have my father's features, but that's about the only thing I have in common with him. I feel like he's a stranger; someone I'm still getting to know. I have nothing to talk about with him, there's nothing I want to say to him, even though there's so much to tell.

I've noticed my father isn't the nicest of people either, since I've been down here, he hasn't said one nice thing to me yet. That could be my bias toward him, or maybe it's just me seeing his true colors. What has he done for me in my 26 years of being on this earth? Nothing really. Actually...no...he's shown me the kind of man I don't want to date or even marry, let alone have children with. When I come in contact with a man like him I should run as fast as I can in the opposite direction.

I do need to learn how to forgive him, but forgiving him would be like forgiving someone who stabs you 15 times consistently every day and then runs you over. It's hard for me to forgive, but I guess if I want to prepare myself to have a long term relationship with any man, especially if he is to be my husband, I must start with the first man in my life.

Saturday, December 13, 2014

My First Blog Post Ever!

I have never blogged in my life! If I've ever had anything to say about the happenings in my life, I always wrote it down in a journal (yes, I said a journal. As in an old fashioned notebook, using an old fashioned writing utensil) and I never shared it with anyone. I guess I just figured it would be something that would keep my spirit alive forever so that my children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren will know who I was and know how I lived.

For those of you who have fallen across my blog, I would like to welcome you. I hope you enjoy what you read in the posts to follow. But I must warn you I tend to be blunt at times and I do have a bit of a potty mouth, so if you are sensitive to cussing and TMI, then I suggest you go find another blog to read. But I'm writing everything from the heart and sometimes the heart just wants to be un-lady-like. Please do not criticize my grammar because it will be completely informal (I graduated 3 years ago from Rutgers University, and that was the last time I had to write any formal research paper). Like I said, if you have any issues with people making up words, or using poor grammar, I suggest you flip to the blog of someone who cares. 

Now let me go into what this blog is all about and why I just randomly decided to start writing one....

I recently just started something I call "My Single Journey" on November 1st. This is a time in my life where I've decided to be completely single until the year 2016. What this means is I will be completely single: no boyfriends, no FBs or Fuck Buddies, no dating partners, nothing that can even be mistaken for a romantic relationship. I thought it may actually be fun to record and share what happens to me during this time in my life.

Since I started dating at the tender age of 16, there has always been a guy "present" in my so called love life. I've always had a crush on someone, or my eyes on someone, or I had an on-and-off boyfriend, or I was just going the no-strings-attached route and went with a fuck buddy. I'm now 26 years old, without a boyfriend, never been married, and I have no children. It was actually when I turned 25, that I realized that maybe, just maybe, it was time for me to actually settle down and look for a nice man to have a long committed relationship with. The only problem was I have a huge fear of commitment!

What's funny was that I never knew I was a commitment-phobe. I had guys I would be physical with and then later figured I would try to have a serious relationship with them. Little did I know, I was actually doing shit backwards and it also explained why I ALWAYS had the worst luck with men. I finally figured this out when I was 25, and made a "decision" to wait until I was in a serious relationship with a guy before I had sex with him. Unfortunately, things didn't work out the way I had hoped.

I moved to Miami, FL shortly after making my "decision", to serve with the AmeriCorps for a year, and was introduced to an older gentleman, who I will call Daniel. Now Daniel wasn't exactly a gorgeous man, but he wasn't bad looking either. To make the longest story short, he and I got to know each other very well, and yes I do mean in the Biblical sense.  This so called relationship lasted for about 10 months.

I liked Daniel a lot, so much so that I wanted to have a serious relationship with him, but for some reason he just wouldn't have it. He showed all signs of being terrified of commitment, but for some reason, I thought I was Super Woman and felt that I was such a great person that he would change his mind and be ready to commit immediately, little did I know it doesn't exactly happen that way. When we spoke about the possibility of marriage and children, just to be funny, I thought he was finally ready to commit, but I was dead wrong.

Daniel eventually stopped talking to me because of a stupid misunderstanding, where he thought I was on a date with his cousin, but in actuality I was only tagging along with my friend on her "date" (it's a crazy long story, maybe I'll mention it another time).

Now from my whole "relationship" with Daniel, anyone would think I was ready to commit and he wasn't, but little did I know, we were actually both in the same boat, just on opposite ends. I figured it out when I found a book called Why Can't I Fall in Love? I looked at the book and thought, "damn, that's exactly the fuckin' question I've been asking myself." After reading a chapter on commitment, I realized then that I was passively avoiding commitment while Daniel was actively avoiding commitment. Who fuckin' knew?!

I figured the only way to actively get over my fear of commitment was to stay by myself for a while; I need to enjoy being by myself to learn to love myself first, before I can be with anyone else. I grew up without my father, or even a consistent father-figure, so I'm just another girl with daddy issues who looks for love in all the wrong places. I've seen so many women who have grown up without a father, who haven't learned to love themselves first, and end up being with the wrong man (or as Tony Gaskins, Jr. says, a grown boy) because they don't know what it feels like to be respected and treated like a Queen from the right man. Unfortunately, it's also those women who end up having daughters who grow up without their fathers and the vicious cycle continues.

I've decided that I don't want to be like those women. I am a grown woman who knows she deserves the best. I know I should be wined and dined by a man who will respect me and treat me like a Queen, and in turn deserves to be treated like a King, but first I know I must work on me so I can give him something to respect. I've asked myself, "if I were to be in a serious relationship with a man right now, what would I bring to the table?" and the answer at this moment is absolutely nothing.

This Single Journey is for me to find myself, for me to find God all over again, and for me to grow to love both unconditionally. I've never done anything so big and bold before in my life, so I know this Journey will be extremely interesting, crazy, terrifying, insane, ridiculous, and all the above at the same damn time.

I hope you enjoy my Journey as much as I will! Thanks for reading!