Monday, March 2, 2015

Venting Session

For the past several weeks, I've been extremely stressed out. Everything that could go wrong has been going wrong. Talk about the devil being busy!

I have come close to points where I've almost cussed out some people, my father being the main person. The only thing I haven't done, surprisingly, is cry my eyes out. I guess somewhere in the back of my mind, I know that God has everything under control and my stressful situations are just necessary moments I must go through in order to become a strong and mature woman. I guess I'll give a little background story as to what's been going on...

I think I wrote briefly about my life in Miami, and how I lived down there for a year. I was unable to move my belongings back to Jersey because of financial reasons. I currently only work a part time job, which isn't paying a whole lot of money, but it's paying something. My things are in storage in Miami at the moment, and while I was in Florida visiting my father, we spoke about getting my things out of storage and holding them at his house for some period of time. Now this whole thing has gotten out of control, only because that never happened because of some bullshit excuse he gave me about not having the space and all this other nonsense; I let the issue go. It wasn't until I received a notification from the unit that my things were scheduled for auction that I brought the issue back up again. My father, being the asshole that he is, started making excuses saying that we should have moved my things while we were in Florida (because he is now away in another state working and of course I'm back home in Jersey), and that there's no one reliable in Florida to help move my things out of storage. I'm thinking in my head, I have cousins, my uncle, and my father's girlfriend, in Florida who could at least try and help; in his mind they are all useless and good for nothing. I was able to talk to my "wonderful" father and tell him that I can rally the troops and get them to organize themselves and get my belongings. He said ok. After speaking to his girlfriend and my uncle, I was able to get their approval to help my out. Of course, my father's girlfriend wouldn't move a toe without asking my father, so she did that and never got back to me. It was when I finally called her, that she told me that my father said he never gave me permission.

Of course I was furious! How can my father tell me yes, but then take it back through someone else? Made no sense to me whatsoever. I explained to him the situation, I was about to lose my things, personal things at that: the journals I kept since I was 12, the scrapbook I had been working on for years that had pictures of me from birth, and tons of gifts and irreplaceable things that were given to me from family members who are both living and dead. How can you just tell me to leave all those things, which make me who I am, and just let everything be sold? I thought about the situation long and hard and realized that my father was doing something he's always done for my entire life, and that was do nothing for me. Why did I somehow expect him to change and actually come through for me? I already knew that I wasn't treated like his child, especially since he already has a favorite child, but I also know that he acts the way he does, not because of me and who I am, but because of my mother and whatever grudge he has against her. Anyway, let me continue my story, I'll get in to that later.

I was able to get the money from another family member, my wonderful (and I do mean wonderful) uncle; my MOTHER'S brother. It seems like my mother's family always comes through for me, since to my father's family I'm such a bad child based on his stories he tells them (and I do mean stories). He swears he knows me so well since he's been there for me every step of my life, right? Actually let me not say that, my father's brother was willing to help me out with my things, unfortunately it was my father who was being the butthead. Sorry, I got off track there, but yes, I was able to save my things from being sold, thanks to my uncle and of course God Himself. I haven't said shit to my father because I want him to think that I failed, because that's what he's waiting to happen. When I was 12 years old, my father told me I wouldn't make it through college or amount to anything. Obviously I proved him wrong. I graduated from Rutgers University, which is one of the best colleges in the nation, and right now I'm not married and have no children and I'm working my way up to the top. I'm not on the street selling my body, I'm not having sex with every single man and having a ton of babies by different men. I will let my father wait for me to fail, because he will die before he sees that happen. I may be at a low point in my life at the moment, but I am truly blessed and doing better than most. God is good! 

That's the main thing that is pissing me off, but other things have been going on that have me a little stressed. One of those things have actually been taken care of by God already, so all I need to do now is just wait for others to be taken care of. My patience is the worse thing ever and that's one of the main things I'm working on during my Single Journey. What's funny is that I have these men coming out of the wood works trying to talk to me and flirt, but I'm not interested. There is one guy, however, who I've had an eye on for a while, and it's taking everything within me to keep from doing something I want to do, but would cause me to regress in my Journey. God has already intercepted my plans more than once, so at least I know I do have someone in my corner. It's not my father, but it's my Heavenly Father, which is even better.

It's been hard, but I know after it's over it will be worth it. I look forward to the woman I will become at the end of this year.