It's been months since I've even decided to write any kind of post. Mainly because I have no audience, but I know someone must be reading my posts, right? I've even gotten to the point where I feel like I don't know what to write about...even though something is happening to me every damn day! I've been writing some juicy stories in my journal at least; my deepest darkest secrets go in there. Even stuff I don't really want to share on my blog.
One story I do want to share, however, is about that "wonderful" guy I mentioned in my first post, Daniel. Remember him? The one who stopped talking to me because he thought I was on a date with his cousin? Yeah, him. I actually saw him last week while I was in Atlanta. I think the whole encounter was my fault anyway (I've been reading this book by Pam Grout, called E-Squared, and she talks about how our thoughts manifest themselves), I was thinking about him kind of heavy from the time I knew I was going down to Atlanta. I kept picturing in my head what it would be like if we saw each other, and then, poof, the first night down there, there he is in front of me looking exactly the same. I actually thought he was going to ignore me the entire time, but surprisingly, he was actually flirting with me from across the table; blowing me kisses and winking at me. My eye contact alone, caused him to literally bounce in his seat; that's when I knew he hadn't matured any either.
One thing I am glad to say is, I was able to talk to him about that night one year ago. I got his side of the story, while I tried to give him mine, but of course he didn't believe me. I realized that this man is delusional, only believing the stories that he makes up in his head, not exactly looking at facts. He tried the whole time to get me to bed, even having the audacity to still claim my "pussy" as his own. "Who else had 'my pussy'?," he asked. All I could do was shake my head. He told me he missed me, and asked if I missed him. After hesitating to give him an answer, he asked, "I didn't make any impact on your life?" Oh how I wanted to tell him that he made a great impact on my life! There was a point where I thought I was in love with this man!
At least I told him everything I've been holding on my chest for a year, letting him know that I felt strongly for him, but it was his issues with himself that kept us from having something pretty damn good. He listened for a minute as I spoke, then tried to get me in bed again. I walked away thanking him for all lessons learned.
Now the entire time I was in Atlanta, Daniel was on my mind, kind of distracting me from the whole purpose of my trip. I kept asking God why did I see him. Even after coming back home, I kept thinking of calling him. I convinced myself that I could talk to him and not violate any parts of my Single Journey, but then I realized it would be considered building a relationship with a man, therefore I didn't make the call. But then the urge came up strong again, and I asked God to give me a sign that I should call. Then after talking to my friend, she convinced me that I was just probably feeling his vibes of him thinking of me and that I should just give him a call (I know it sounds kind of crazy, but I truly believe every human being that has come into contact with each other are somehow connected). So I did. But Daniel acted like the asshole that he is, and I was reminded of why he and I didn't work in the first place.Was even crazier, is that I feel like I'll be hearing from him, sooner or later.
Urgh!!! Sometimes, I ask myself why I decided to torture myself like this, why did I decide to stay single for so long? I feel like I'm so ready to be in a long term committed relationship; I'm ready for a man to love me and all my flaws. I'm ready to be married, to have children, to grow old with my husband. I don't know why I feel like my time is running out, like life is flying by without showing signs of slowing down. I know so many people my age who have passed away and I feel like any day could be my day. Maybe that's what my problem is, I want it too bad. But then again I have my days where I'm actually fine and don't mind being single. I'm just all confused...
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