It's been months since I've even decided to write any kind of post. Mainly because I have no audience, but I know someone must be reading my posts, right? I've even gotten to the point where I feel like I don't know what to write about...even though something is happening to me every damn day! I've been writing some juicy stories in my journal at least; my deepest darkest secrets go in there. Even stuff I don't really want to share on my blog.
One story I do want to share, however, is about that "wonderful" guy I mentioned in my first post, Daniel. Remember him? The one who stopped talking to me because he thought I was on a date with his cousin? Yeah, him. I actually saw him last week while I was in Atlanta. I think the whole encounter was my fault anyway (I've been reading this book by Pam Grout, called E-Squared, and she talks about how our thoughts manifest themselves), I was thinking about him kind of heavy from the time I knew I was going down to Atlanta. I kept picturing in my head what it would be like if we saw each other, and then, poof, the first night down there, there he is in front of me looking exactly the same. I actually thought he was going to ignore me the entire time, but surprisingly, he was actually flirting with me from across the table; blowing me kisses and winking at me. My eye contact alone, caused him to literally bounce in his seat; that's when I knew he hadn't matured any either.
One thing I am glad to say is, I was able to talk to him about that night one year ago. I got his side of the story, while I tried to give him mine, but of course he didn't believe me. I realized that this man is delusional, only believing the stories that he makes up in his head, not exactly looking at facts. He tried the whole time to get me to bed, even having the audacity to still claim my "pussy" as his own. "Who else had 'my pussy'?," he asked. All I could do was shake my head. He told me he missed me, and asked if I missed him. After hesitating to give him an answer, he asked, "I didn't make any impact on your life?" Oh how I wanted to tell him that he made a great impact on my life! There was a point where I thought I was in love with this man!
At least I told him everything I've been holding on my chest for a year, letting him know that I felt strongly for him, but it was his issues with himself that kept us from having something pretty damn good. He listened for a minute as I spoke, then tried to get me in bed again. I walked away thanking him for all lessons learned.
Now the entire time I was in Atlanta, Daniel was on my mind, kind of distracting me from the whole purpose of my trip. I kept asking God why did I see him. Even after coming back home, I kept thinking of calling him. I convinced myself that I could talk to him and not violate any parts of my Single Journey, but then I realized it would be considered building a relationship with a man, therefore I didn't make the call. But then the urge came up strong again, and I asked God to give me a sign that I should call. Then after talking to my friend, she convinced me that I was just probably feeling his vibes of him thinking of me and that I should just give him a call (I know it sounds kind of crazy, but I truly believe every human being that has come into contact with each other are somehow connected). So I did. But Daniel acted like the asshole that he is, and I was reminded of why he and I didn't work in the first place.Was even crazier, is that I feel like I'll be hearing from him, sooner or later.
Urgh!!! Sometimes, I ask myself why I decided to torture myself like this, why did I decide to stay single for so long? I feel like I'm so ready to be in a long term committed relationship; I'm ready for a man to love me and all my flaws. I'm ready to be married, to have children, to grow old with my husband. I don't know why I feel like my time is running out, like life is flying by without showing signs of slowing down. I know so many people my age who have passed away and I feel like any day could be my day. Maybe that's what my problem is, I want it too bad. But then again I have my days where I'm actually fine and don't mind being single. I'm just all confused...
Thursday, July 23, 2015
Monday, March 2, 2015
Venting Session
For the past several weeks, I've been extremely stressed out. Everything that could go wrong has been going wrong. Talk about the devil being busy!
I have come close to points where I've almost cussed out some people, my father being the main person. The only thing I haven't done, surprisingly, is cry my eyes out. I guess somewhere in the back of my mind, I know that God has everything under control and my stressful situations are just necessary moments I must go through in order to become a strong and mature woman. I guess I'll give a little background story as to what's been going on...
I think I wrote briefly about my life in Miami, and how I lived down there for a year. I was unable to move my belongings back to Jersey because of financial reasons. I currently only work a part time job, which isn't paying a whole lot of money, but it's paying something. My things are in storage in Miami at the moment, and while I was in Florida visiting my father, we spoke about getting my things out of storage and holding them at his house for some period of time. Now this whole thing has gotten out of control, only because that never happened because of some bullshit excuse he gave me about not having the space and all this other nonsense; I let the issue go. It wasn't until I received a notification from the unit that my things were scheduled for auction that I brought the issue back up again. My father, being the asshole that he is, started making excuses saying that we should have moved my things while we were in Florida (because he is now away in another state working and of course I'm back home in Jersey), and that there's no one reliable in Florida to help move my things out of storage. I'm thinking in my head, I have cousins, my uncle, and my father's girlfriend, in Florida who could at least try and help; in his mind they are all useless and good for nothing. I was able to talk to my "wonderful" father and tell him that I can rally the troops and get them to organize themselves and get my belongings. He said ok. After speaking to his girlfriend and my uncle, I was able to get their approval to help my out. Of course, my father's girlfriend wouldn't move a toe without asking my father, so she did that and never got back to me. It was when I finally called her, that she told me that my father said he never gave me permission.
Of course I was furious! How can my father tell me yes, but then take it back through someone else? Made no sense to me whatsoever. I explained to him the situation, I was about to lose my things, personal things at that: the journals I kept since I was 12, the scrapbook I had been working on for years that had pictures of me from birth, and tons of gifts and irreplaceable things that were given to me from family members who are both living and dead. How can you just tell me to leave all those things, which make me who I am, and just let everything be sold? I thought about the situation long and hard and realized that my father was doing something he's always done for my entire life, and that was do nothing for me. Why did I somehow expect him to change and actually come through for me? I already knew that I wasn't treated like his child, especially since he already has a favorite child, but I also know that he acts the way he does, not because of me and who I am, but because of my mother and whatever grudge he has against her. Anyway, let me continue my story, I'll get in to that later.
I was able to get the money from another family member, my wonderful (and I do mean wonderful) uncle; my MOTHER'S brother. It seems like my mother's family always comes through for me, since to my father's family I'm such a bad child based on his stories he tells them (and I do mean stories). He swears he knows me so well since he's been there for me every step of my life, right? Actually let me not say that, my father's brother was willing to help me out with my things, unfortunately it was my father who was being the butthead. Sorry, I got off track there, but yes, I was able to save my things from being sold, thanks to my uncle and of course God Himself. I haven't said shit to my father because I want him to think that I failed, because that's what he's waiting to happen. When I was 12 years old, my father told me I wouldn't make it through college or amount to anything. Obviously I proved him wrong. I graduated from Rutgers University, which is one of the best colleges in the nation, and right now I'm not married and have no children and I'm working my way up to the top. I'm not on the street selling my body, I'm not having sex with every single man and having a ton of babies by different men. I will let my father wait for me to fail, because he will die before he sees that happen. I may be at a low point in my life at the moment, but I am truly blessed and doing better than most. God is good!
That's the main thing that is pissing me off, but other things have been going on that have me a little stressed. One of those things have actually been taken care of by God already, so all I need to do now is just wait for others to be taken care of. My patience is the worse thing ever and that's one of the main things I'm working on during my Single Journey. What's funny is that I have these men coming out of the wood works trying to talk to me and flirt, but I'm not interested. There is one guy, however, who I've had an eye on for a while, and it's taking everything within me to keep from doing something I want to do, but would cause me to regress in my Journey. God has already intercepted my plans more than once, so at least I know I do have someone in my corner. It's not my father, but it's my Heavenly Father, which is even better.
It's been hard, but I know after it's over it will be worth it. I look forward to the woman I will become at the end of this year.
I have come close to points where I've almost cussed out some people, my father being the main person. The only thing I haven't done, surprisingly, is cry my eyes out. I guess somewhere in the back of my mind, I know that God has everything under control and my stressful situations are just necessary moments I must go through in order to become a strong and mature woman. I guess I'll give a little background story as to what's been going on...
I think I wrote briefly about my life in Miami, and how I lived down there for a year. I was unable to move my belongings back to Jersey because of financial reasons. I currently only work a part time job, which isn't paying a whole lot of money, but it's paying something. My things are in storage in Miami at the moment, and while I was in Florida visiting my father, we spoke about getting my things out of storage and holding them at his house for some period of time. Now this whole thing has gotten out of control, only because that never happened because of some bullshit excuse he gave me about not having the space and all this other nonsense; I let the issue go. It wasn't until I received a notification from the unit that my things were scheduled for auction that I brought the issue back up again. My father, being the asshole that he is, started making excuses saying that we should have moved my things while we were in Florida (because he is now away in another state working and of course I'm back home in Jersey), and that there's no one reliable in Florida to help move my things out of storage. I'm thinking in my head, I have cousins, my uncle, and my father's girlfriend, in Florida who could at least try and help; in his mind they are all useless and good for nothing. I was able to talk to my "wonderful" father and tell him that I can rally the troops and get them to organize themselves and get my belongings. He said ok. After speaking to his girlfriend and my uncle, I was able to get their approval to help my out. Of course, my father's girlfriend wouldn't move a toe without asking my father, so she did that and never got back to me. It was when I finally called her, that she told me that my father said he never gave me permission.
Of course I was furious! How can my father tell me yes, but then take it back through someone else? Made no sense to me whatsoever. I explained to him the situation, I was about to lose my things, personal things at that: the journals I kept since I was 12, the scrapbook I had been working on for years that had pictures of me from birth, and tons of gifts and irreplaceable things that were given to me from family members who are both living and dead. How can you just tell me to leave all those things, which make me who I am, and just let everything be sold? I thought about the situation long and hard and realized that my father was doing something he's always done for my entire life, and that was do nothing for me. Why did I somehow expect him to change and actually come through for me? I already knew that I wasn't treated like his child, especially since he already has a favorite child, but I also know that he acts the way he does, not because of me and who I am, but because of my mother and whatever grudge he has against her. Anyway, let me continue my story, I'll get in to that later.
I was able to get the money from another family member, my wonderful (and I do mean wonderful) uncle; my MOTHER'S brother. It seems like my mother's family always comes through for me, since to my father's family I'm such a bad child based on his stories he tells them (and I do mean stories). He swears he knows me so well since he's been there for me every step of my life, right? Actually let me not say that, my father's brother was willing to help me out with my things, unfortunately it was my father who was being the butthead. Sorry, I got off track there, but yes, I was able to save my things from being sold, thanks to my uncle and of course God Himself. I haven't said shit to my father because I want him to think that I failed, because that's what he's waiting to happen. When I was 12 years old, my father told me I wouldn't make it through college or amount to anything. Obviously I proved him wrong. I graduated from Rutgers University, which is one of the best colleges in the nation, and right now I'm not married and have no children and I'm working my way up to the top. I'm not on the street selling my body, I'm not having sex with every single man and having a ton of babies by different men. I will let my father wait for me to fail, because he will die before he sees that happen. I may be at a low point in my life at the moment, but I am truly blessed and doing better than most. God is good!
That's the main thing that is pissing me off, but other things have been going on that have me a little stressed. One of those things have actually been taken care of by God already, so all I need to do now is just wait for others to be taken care of. My patience is the worse thing ever and that's one of the main things I'm working on during my Single Journey. What's funny is that I have these men coming out of the wood works trying to talk to me and flirt, but I'm not interested. There is one guy, however, who I've had an eye on for a while, and it's taking everything within me to keep from doing something I want to do, but would cause me to regress in my Journey. God has already intercepted my plans more than once, so at least I know I do have someone in my corner. It's not my father, but it's my Heavenly Father, which is even better.
It's been hard, but I know after it's over it will be worth it. I look forward to the woman I will become at the end of this year.
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Harder Than it Looks
I've kind of been MIA for practically the whole month of January. I got back from my "family vacation" and just felt like I needed a vacation from my vacation. My whole entire body feels like it's been drained of all energy, and I feel as though I'm not motivated to do anything. What's wrong with me? I have no clue. I'm sure some people have heard about Energy Suckers and how just being around them just sucks the energy and life out of you, well, I think that's exactly what my family is.
I told my mother about my wonderful trip, and she showed no sympathy. It kind of reminds me of when I was being bullied in middle school and all she did was tell me to not let those kids scare me away. Then of course as an adult when I told her about my experiences with bullying, she acted like I never told her any such thing. Oh well....I guess what's done is done; the trip is finally over, thank you God! I later found out my wonderful aunt was talking bad about me to my mother, telling her how irresponsible I am and all this other stuff. So I guess that gave her good enough reason to treat me like a child. I understand I may have a young face, and yes I may still act as though I'm irresponsible, regarding certain things, but that doesn't give anyone the right to treat me like I'm 10 years old. The last time I checked 26 made me an adult. So yes, I moved back into my mother's house, but still, everyone has their turn at being on Shits Street (unless, of course, you are extremely rich).
I don't tolerate people who kick me while I'm down. I understand everything that's going on with me, and I am doing everything that I can to change my circumstances, but if nothing is working out for me, what's my last resort? To go rob a bank, I guess. My aunt had the audacity to tell me that since I have no children, I'm not an adult. Way to go aunty. Find a way to put me in the same category as the teens and younger kids in the house. That was the only thing she could find that made me a child. I understand I have no children, that's because I have no husband. And I have no husband because I'm trying to get myself right before I enter into a relationship that takes serious commitment. I don't want my husband running around on me because I'm too immature, or not equipped to give him what he needs. And from what I understand that's exactly what she's going through herself; dealing with a husband who can't stay faithful. Don't take your shit out on me.
I already said that I will stop trying to please other people, but yet I'm still self conscious about what others think of me. I guess it's because I have people saying dumb shit to me and about me, that makes me so insecure. How can I expect to have a man fall in love with me and marry me, if I can't even love my damn self?
My journey started out pretty good, but now I'm being tested beyond what I expected. I'm not enjoying my trials, but at the same time I know this is what God wants me to go through. This is His way of refining me; turning me from the lump of coal that I am, into the precious diamond that I will become. I've always heard the saying "This too shall pass" but I keep asking myself, "When?" Embarking on a journey of self improvement is hard work, and it's definitely not for the faint of heart. 2015 just started and I still have a long way to go...
I told my mother about my wonderful trip, and she showed no sympathy. It kind of reminds me of when I was being bullied in middle school and all she did was tell me to not let those kids scare me away. Then of course as an adult when I told her about my experiences with bullying, she acted like I never told her any such thing. Oh well....I guess what's done is done; the trip is finally over, thank you God! I later found out my wonderful aunt was talking bad about me to my mother, telling her how irresponsible I am and all this other stuff. So I guess that gave her good enough reason to treat me like a child. I understand I may have a young face, and yes I may still act as though I'm irresponsible, regarding certain things, but that doesn't give anyone the right to treat me like I'm 10 years old. The last time I checked 26 made me an adult. So yes, I moved back into my mother's house, but still, everyone has their turn at being on Shits Street (unless, of course, you are extremely rich).
I don't tolerate people who kick me while I'm down. I understand everything that's going on with me, and I am doing everything that I can to change my circumstances, but if nothing is working out for me, what's my last resort? To go rob a bank, I guess. My aunt had the audacity to tell me that since I have no children, I'm not an adult. Way to go aunty. Find a way to put me in the same category as the teens and younger kids in the house. That was the only thing she could find that made me a child. I understand I have no children, that's because I have no husband. And I have no husband because I'm trying to get myself right before I enter into a relationship that takes serious commitment. I don't want my husband running around on me because I'm too immature, or not equipped to give him what he needs. And from what I understand that's exactly what she's going through herself; dealing with a husband who can't stay faithful. Don't take your shit out on me.
I already said that I will stop trying to please other people, but yet I'm still self conscious about what others think of me. I guess it's because I have people saying dumb shit to me and about me, that makes me so insecure. How can I expect to have a man fall in love with me and marry me, if I can't even love my damn self?
My journey started out pretty good, but now I'm being tested beyond what I expected. I'm not enjoying my trials, but at the same time I know this is what God wants me to go through. This is His way of refining me; turning me from the lump of coal that I am, into the precious diamond that I will become. I've always heard the saying "This too shall pass" but I keep asking myself, "When?" Embarking on a journey of self improvement is hard work, and it's definitely not for the faint of heart. 2015 just started and I still have a long way to go...
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