Thursday, July 23, 2015

I'm So Inconsistent It's Crazy!!

It's been months since I've even decided to write any kind of post. Mainly because I have no audience, but I know someone must be reading my posts, right? I've even gotten to the point where I feel like I don't know what to write about...even though something is happening to me every damn day! I've been writing some juicy stories in my journal at least; my deepest darkest secrets go in there. Even stuff I don't really want to share on my blog.

One story I do want to share, however, is about that "wonderful" guy I mentioned in my first post, Daniel. Remember him? The one who stopped talking to me because he thought I was on a date with his cousin? Yeah, him. I actually saw him last week while I was in Atlanta. I think the whole encounter was my fault anyway (I've been reading this book by Pam Grout, called E-Squared, and she talks about how our thoughts manifest themselves), I was thinking about him kind of heavy from the time I knew I was going down to Atlanta. I kept picturing in my head what it would be like if we saw each other, and then, poof, the first night down there, there he is in front of me looking exactly the same. I actually thought he was going to ignore me the entire time, but surprisingly, he was actually flirting with me from across the table; blowing me kisses and winking at me. My eye contact alone, caused him to literally bounce in his seat; that's when I knew he hadn't matured any either.

One thing I am glad to say is, I was able to talk to him about that night one year ago. I got his side of the story, while I tried to give him mine, but of course he didn't believe me. I realized that this man is delusional, only believing the stories that he makes up in his head, not exactly looking at facts. He tried the whole time to get me to bed, even having the audacity to still claim my "pussy" as his own. "Who else had 'my pussy'?," he asked. All I could do was shake my head. He told me he missed me, and asked if I missed him. After hesitating to give him an answer, he asked, "I didn't make any impact on your life?" Oh how I wanted to tell him that he made a great impact on my life! There was a point where I thought I was in love with this man!

At least I told him everything I've been holding on my chest for a year, letting him know that I felt strongly for him, but it was his issues with himself that kept us from having something pretty damn good. He listened for a minute as I spoke, then tried to get me in bed again. I walked away thanking him for all lessons learned.

Now the entire time I was in Atlanta, Daniel was on my mind, kind of distracting me from the whole purpose of my trip. I kept asking God why did I see him. Even after coming back home, I kept thinking of calling him. I convinced myself that I could talk to him and not violate any parts of my Single Journey, but then I realized it would be considered building a relationship with a man, therefore I didn't make the call. But then the urge came up strong again, and I asked God to give me a sign that I should call. Then after talking to my friend, she convinced me that I was just probably feeling his vibes of him thinking of me and that I should just give him a call (I know it sounds kind of crazy, but I truly believe every human being that has come into contact with each other are somehow connected). So I did. But Daniel acted like the asshole that he is, and I was reminded of why he and I didn't work in the first place.Was even crazier, is that I feel like I'll be hearing from him, sooner or later.

Urgh!!! Sometimes, I ask myself why I decided to torture myself like this, why did I decide to stay single for so long? I feel like I'm so ready to be in a long term committed relationship; I'm ready for a man to love me and all my flaws. I'm ready to be married, to have children, to grow old with my husband. I don't know why I feel like my time is running out, like life is flying by without showing signs of slowing down. I know so many people my age who have passed away and I feel like any day could be my day. Maybe that's what my problem is, I want it too bad. But then again I have my days where I'm actually fine and don't mind being single. I'm just all confused...

Monday, March 2, 2015

Venting Session

For the past several weeks, I've been extremely stressed out. Everything that could go wrong has been going wrong. Talk about the devil being busy!

I have come close to points where I've almost cussed out some people, my father being the main person. The only thing I haven't done, surprisingly, is cry my eyes out. I guess somewhere in the back of my mind, I know that God has everything under control and my stressful situations are just necessary moments I must go through in order to become a strong and mature woman. I guess I'll give a little background story as to what's been going on...

I think I wrote briefly about my life in Miami, and how I lived down there for a year. I was unable to move my belongings back to Jersey because of financial reasons. I currently only work a part time job, which isn't paying a whole lot of money, but it's paying something. My things are in storage in Miami at the moment, and while I was in Florida visiting my father, we spoke about getting my things out of storage and holding them at his house for some period of time. Now this whole thing has gotten out of control, only because that never happened because of some bullshit excuse he gave me about not having the space and all this other nonsense; I let the issue go. It wasn't until I received a notification from the unit that my things were scheduled for auction that I brought the issue back up again. My father, being the asshole that he is, started making excuses saying that we should have moved my things while we were in Florida (because he is now away in another state working and of course I'm back home in Jersey), and that there's no one reliable in Florida to help move my things out of storage. I'm thinking in my head, I have cousins, my uncle, and my father's girlfriend, in Florida who could at least try and help; in his mind they are all useless and good for nothing. I was able to talk to my "wonderful" father and tell him that I can rally the troops and get them to organize themselves and get my belongings. He said ok. After speaking to his girlfriend and my uncle, I was able to get their approval to help my out. Of course, my father's girlfriend wouldn't move a toe without asking my father, so she did that and never got back to me. It was when I finally called her, that she told me that my father said he never gave me permission.

Of course I was furious! How can my father tell me yes, but then take it back through someone else? Made no sense to me whatsoever. I explained to him the situation, I was about to lose my things, personal things at that: the journals I kept since I was 12, the scrapbook I had been working on for years that had pictures of me from birth, and tons of gifts and irreplaceable things that were given to me from family members who are both living and dead. How can you just tell me to leave all those things, which make me who I am, and just let everything be sold? I thought about the situation long and hard and realized that my father was doing something he's always done for my entire life, and that was do nothing for me. Why did I somehow expect him to change and actually come through for me? I already knew that I wasn't treated like his child, especially since he already has a favorite child, but I also know that he acts the way he does, not because of me and who I am, but because of my mother and whatever grudge he has against her. Anyway, let me continue my story, I'll get in to that later.

I was able to get the money from another family member, my wonderful (and I do mean wonderful) uncle; my MOTHER'S brother. It seems like my mother's family always comes through for me, since to my father's family I'm such a bad child based on his stories he tells them (and I do mean stories). He swears he knows me so well since he's been there for me every step of my life, right? Actually let me not say that, my father's brother was willing to help me out with my things, unfortunately it was my father who was being the butthead. Sorry, I got off track there, but yes, I was able to save my things from being sold, thanks to my uncle and of course God Himself. I haven't said shit to my father because I want him to think that I failed, because that's what he's waiting to happen. When I was 12 years old, my father told me I wouldn't make it through college or amount to anything. Obviously I proved him wrong. I graduated from Rutgers University, which is one of the best colleges in the nation, and right now I'm not married and have no children and I'm working my way up to the top. I'm not on the street selling my body, I'm not having sex with every single man and having a ton of babies by different men. I will let my father wait for me to fail, because he will die before he sees that happen. I may be at a low point in my life at the moment, but I am truly blessed and doing better than most. God is good! 

That's the main thing that is pissing me off, but other things have been going on that have me a little stressed. One of those things have actually been taken care of by God already, so all I need to do now is just wait for others to be taken care of. My patience is the worse thing ever and that's one of the main things I'm working on during my Single Journey. What's funny is that I have these men coming out of the wood works trying to talk to me and flirt, but I'm not interested. There is one guy, however, who I've had an eye on for a while, and it's taking everything within me to keep from doing something I want to do, but would cause me to regress in my Journey. God has already intercepted my plans more than once, so at least I know I do have someone in my corner. It's not my father, but it's my Heavenly Father, which is even better.

It's been hard, but I know after it's over it will be worth it. I look forward to the woman I will become at the end of this year. 

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Harder Than it Looks

I've kind of been MIA for practically the whole month of January. I got back from my "family vacation" and just felt like I needed a vacation from my vacation. My whole entire body feels like it's been drained of all energy, and I feel as though I'm not motivated to do anything. What's wrong with me? I have no clue. I'm sure some people have heard about Energy Suckers and how just being around them just sucks the energy and life out of you, well, I think that's exactly what my family is.

I told my mother about my wonderful trip, and she showed no sympathy. It kind of reminds me of when I was being bullied in middle school and all she did was tell me to not let those kids scare me away. Then of course as an adult when I told her about my experiences with bullying, she acted like I never told her any such thing. Oh well....I guess what's done is done; the trip is finally over, thank you God! I later found out my wonderful aunt was talking bad about me to my mother, telling her how irresponsible I am and all this other stuff. So I guess that gave her good enough reason to treat me like a child. I understand I may have a young face, and yes I may still act as though I'm irresponsible, regarding certain things, but that doesn't give anyone the right to treat me like I'm 10 years old. The last time I checked 26 made me an adult. So yes, I moved back into my mother's house, but still, everyone has their turn at being on Shits Street (unless, of course, you are extremely rich).

I don't tolerate people who kick me while I'm down. I understand everything that's going on with me, and I am doing everything that I can to change my circumstances, but if nothing is working out for me, what's my last resort? To go rob a bank, I guess. My aunt had the audacity to tell me that since I have no children, I'm not an adult. Way to go aunty. Find a way to put me in the same category as the teens and younger kids in the house. That was the only thing she could find that made me a child. I understand I have no children, that's because I have no husband. And I have no husband because I'm trying to get myself right before I enter into a relationship that takes serious commitment. I don't want my husband running around on me because I'm too immature, or not equipped to give him what he needs. And from what I understand that's exactly what she's going through herself; dealing with a husband who can't stay faithful. Don't take your shit out on me.

I already said that I will stop trying to please other people, but yet I'm still self conscious about what others think of me. I guess it's because I have people saying dumb shit to me and about me, that makes me so insecure. How can I expect to have a man fall in love with me and marry me, if I can't even love my damn self?

My journey started out pretty good, but now I'm being tested beyond what I expected. I'm not enjoying my trials, but at the same time I know this is what God wants me to go through. This is His way of refining me; turning me from the lump of coal that I am, into the precious diamond that I will become. I've always heard the saying "This too shall pass" but I keep asking myself, "When?" Embarking on a journey of self improvement is hard work, and it's definitely not for the faint of heart. 2015 just started and I still have a long way to go...

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Happy New Year!

As 2014 comes to a close, I look back at this year and realized that I've had my good and bad times. There have been some nights where all I did was laugh until my belly hurt, and there have been some times where all I did was cry until my tear ducts were dry. But even though there have been times where I did wish it would all end, I am so grateful to God for bringing me through and allowing me another lesson that has only strenghtened me and brought me closer to being the woman He wants me to be.

I can feel, within my entire being, what 2015 has in store for me. I know this coming year will be so great, that I will look back and say to myself "Wow! That was so amazing, I wish I can do it all over again."  God has been amazing to me, and I feel as though I've always known that, but it hasn't been until recently that I truly realized just how amazing He really is. I'm so glad that I chose to really take the time out and focus on His love and grace, because I would have continued going through life wondering why nothing is going the way I hoped. It's because of this time I've chosen to take that I realize that I was never in control, and God has His plans so that I can eventually make the decisions to get on the path He wants me to be on. Trusting everything to Him is what gives me, not what I want, but what I need in order to grow into a godly woman. God wants all of us to be happy and to get to heaven, but it is up to us to listen to God's guidance and be guaranteed our place in Paradise.

I have had a rocky, but great 2014, and I know I will have an even greater 2015. I'm just grateful to God for allowing me the chance to see it.   

Monday, December 29, 2014

Another Lesson Learned

So I got the news yesterday morning that my grandfather, my father's father, passed away in his sleep the other night. I can't say that I'm grieving or feeling any kind of way, because to be honest the man was absent from my life. I never called him Grandpa, I always referred to him as my grandfather. My mother told me the story about how she brought me to see him, when I was a child, and he just looked at me and kept it moving, he didn't even try to interact with me or talk to me or anything. I guess ever since then he became another man who was absent in my life.

I noticed my father was walking around as if he didn't care that he lost his own father, he even used the words "We'll celebrate", and I had a conversation with him about it. "How do you feel about your father passing?" was the question I asked him. He didn't really have anything to say except that his father was pretty much an asshole. I listened to him speak about his father, and the man that he was, and the entire time I was thinking, "Wow, that sounds familiar." The next question I should have asked him was, "Do you forgive your father for being the way he was?" but the words didn't come out of my mouth.

It's sad how a cycle begins and continues. My father had a broken relationship with his father, so therefore, he had a poor role model to show him how to be a father. Maybe I should be the one to end the cycle by learning to forgive my father for being absent. I guess, if I look at it from his point of view, I'll see that it's not really his fault for being the kind of father that he was/is.

As I think about it, maybe this was the reason I was meant to come down to Florida and spend the holidays with my father. I guess I was meant to really get a better understanding of my father and why he is the way he is. I feel like my father is an asshole, and he will probably never change, but at least since I know the reason why, there's really no reason for me to keep feeling the way I do toward him. He obviously doesn't know any better, and he may be trying to fix our relationship, but if our relationship does stay the same and never changes, I know that when it comes time for me to have a serious relationship with a man and even possibly get married, I won't be dependent on that man for anything except to be a great husband and father. Pretty much what I'm trying to say is, I won't be looking to my husband to fill that "daddy-shapped hole" in my heart. It'll be easier for me to figure out the kind of husband and father the man in my life will be based on the kind of relationship he had or has with his father, and the way he feels toward his father will determine whether or not I should be serious with him.

I see that God is lining up all the lessons I need to learn in order to become the woman He wants me to be for my future husband, and also for me to know what it is I should look for in a future husband. God is good and I know He is preparing me for something great.

Monday, December 22, 2014

Just Another Woman With Daddy Issues

Having my own blog is harder than I thought. I feel as though I have been fishing for things to write about and haven't exactly been coming up with anything.I started to write about how I'm so insecure around men, the other night, and noticed that that topic wasn't exactly the most entertaining. I mean, who doesn't suffer from their own insecurities?

I just flew in on Saturday, from Jersey to Florida, to stay down here for the holidays with my father. Something must have possessed him to actually extend an invitation to me, because never have I ever spent Christmas with my father. I spent a Thanksgiving with him one year, but I think I was 10 or 11 years old, and at that time he was still living in New Jersey. I've never spent a Christmas away from my mother, since it's our favorite time of the year to entertain family. My mother's birthday is on Christmas Eve and that's when we start our cooking for Christmas. For my entire life, it's always been just me and my mother; I know no other parent.

First I was nervous to come down to Florida; a little unsure of what exactly would happen between my father and I. Then I started thinking about how close he lives to Orlando, so I figured we would have some fun things to do, like go to Disney. However, that excitement was short lived because my father informed me that my half sister (his daughter from another woman) decided last minute to come down too. I found this news interesting because the decision was "last minute". Why did she choose to suddenly come down to Florida for the Christmas, especially when I was going to be there too? She spent Christmas with our father last year and she had him to herself. She and I don't keep in touch, so we don't have any kind of relationship. Whenever anyone asks me if I have any siblings, I always say no. 

Now you may be reading this and asking yourself, "What's the big deal about spending Christmas with your half sister?" But you must understand the background story.

I'm my father's first child, he has three total and we're all from different women. Myself and my half brother (who is the second child) have grown up without him. My sister is a different story. My father married her mother, a few years after she was born, but the relationship only lasted a short time. Of course he lived with them for a while, so she saw him pretty consistently. It was even thrown in my face that he lived with her and not me (talk about low blow). My father then did what he does best, and that was run from his problems instead of face them; he moved to Florida, a whole 1,200 miles away.

This left all three of us without a father, but my sister wouldn't let go so easily. She keeps in constant contact with him, and he calls her often, even sends her money. I, on the other hand, don't get that privilege. There have been plenty of times I have thought my father stayed away from me as retaliation against my mother; whatever grudge he may have against her, he has taken it out on me. I know that's something shallow and stupid to think about, but you would be surprised about the things people do just to get back at someone else. What my mother has done is something anyone would look at and say "Well that's a stupid reason to dislike her" but I guess love, that has turned into hate, will make you do some crazy ass shit, including neglect your own child.

Oh wait, I just realized I went way off topic...

But back to me and my sister and father. She had him to herself last Christmas, why can't I have that same opportunity this year? I know I sound childish and selfish, but when it comes to the topic of my father, I guess the thought of him just transforms me back to a fatherless child. Yes, I am another fatherless daughter, and I have accepted that fact, but I would still like to have some kind of relationship with him, especially when I have the opportunity to do so. What's sad is that I have my father's features, but that's about the only thing I have in common with him. I feel like he's a stranger; someone I'm still getting to know. I have nothing to talk about with him, there's nothing I want to say to him, even though there's so much to tell.

I've noticed my father isn't the nicest of people either, since I've been down here, he hasn't said one nice thing to me yet. That could be my bias toward him, or maybe it's just me seeing his true colors. What has he done for me in my 26 years of being on this earth? Nothing really.'s shown me the kind of man I don't want to date or even marry, let alone have children with. When I come in contact with a man like him I should run as fast as I can in the opposite direction.

I do need to learn how to forgive him, but forgiving him would be like forgiving someone who stabs you 15 times consistently every day and then runs you over. It's hard for me to forgive, but I guess if I want to prepare myself to have a long term relationship with any man, especially if he is to be my husband, I must start with the first man in my life.

Saturday, December 13, 2014

My First Blog Post Ever!

I have never blogged in my life! If I've ever had anything to say about the happenings in my life, I always wrote it down in a journal (yes, I said a journal. As in an old fashioned notebook, using an old fashioned writing utensil) and I never shared it with anyone. I guess I just figured it would be something that would keep my spirit alive forever so that my children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren will know who I was and know how I lived.

For those of you who have fallen across my blog, I would like to welcome you. I hope you enjoy what you read in the posts to follow. But I must warn you I tend to be blunt at times and I do have a bit of a potty mouth, so if you are sensitive to cussing and TMI, then I suggest you go find another blog to read. But I'm writing everything from the heart and sometimes the heart just wants to be un-lady-like. Please do not criticize my grammar because it will be completely informal (I graduated 3 years ago from Rutgers University, and that was the last time I had to write any formal research paper). Like I said, if you have any issues with people making up words, or using poor grammar, I suggest you flip to the blog of someone who cares. 

Now let me go into what this blog is all about and why I just randomly decided to start writing one....

I recently just started something I call "My Single Journey" on November 1st. This is a time in my life where I've decided to be completely single until the year 2016. What this means is I will be completely single: no boyfriends, no FBs or Fuck Buddies, no dating partners, nothing that can even be mistaken for a romantic relationship. I thought it may actually be fun to record and share what happens to me during this time in my life.

Since I started dating at the tender age of 16, there has always been a guy "present" in my so called love life. I've always had a crush on someone, or my eyes on someone, or I had an on-and-off boyfriend, or I was just going the no-strings-attached route and went with a fuck buddy. I'm now 26 years old, without a boyfriend, never been married, and I have no children. It was actually when I turned 25, that I realized that maybe, just maybe, it was time for me to actually settle down and look for a nice man to have a long committed relationship with. The only problem was I have a huge fear of commitment!

What's funny was that I never knew I was a commitment-phobe. I had guys I would be physical with and then later figured I would try to have a serious relationship with them. Little did I know, I was actually doing shit backwards and it also explained why I ALWAYS had the worst luck with men. I finally figured this out when I was 25, and made a "decision" to wait until I was in a serious relationship with a guy before I had sex with him. Unfortunately, things didn't work out the way I had hoped.

I moved to Miami, FL shortly after making my "decision", to serve with the AmeriCorps for a year, and was introduced to an older gentleman, who I will call Daniel. Now Daniel wasn't exactly a gorgeous man, but he wasn't bad looking either. To make the longest story short, he and I got to know each other very well, and yes I do mean in the Biblical sense.  This so called relationship lasted for about 10 months.

I liked Daniel a lot, so much so that I wanted to have a serious relationship with him, but for some reason he just wouldn't have it. He showed all signs of being terrified of commitment, but for some reason, I thought I was Super Woman and felt that I was such a great person that he would change his mind and be ready to commit immediately, little did I know it doesn't exactly happen that way. When we spoke about the possibility of marriage and children, just to be funny, I thought he was finally ready to commit, but I was dead wrong.

Daniel eventually stopped talking to me because of a stupid misunderstanding, where he thought I was on a date with his cousin, but in actuality I was only tagging along with my friend on her "date" (it's a crazy long story, maybe I'll mention it another time).

Now from my whole "relationship" with Daniel, anyone would think I was ready to commit and he wasn't, but little did I know, we were actually both in the same boat, just on opposite ends. I figured it out when I found a book called Why Can't I Fall in Love? I looked at the book and thought, "damn, that's exactly the fuckin' question I've been asking myself." After reading a chapter on commitment, I realized then that I was passively avoiding commitment while Daniel was actively avoiding commitment. Who fuckin' knew?!

I figured the only way to actively get over my fear of commitment was to stay by myself for a while; I need to enjoy being by myself to learn to love myself first, before I can be with anyone else. I grew up without my father, or even a consistent father-figure, so I'm just another girl with daddy issues who looks for love in all the wrong places. I've seen so many women who have grown up without a father, who haven't learned to love themselves first, and end up being with the wrong man (or as Tony Gaskins, Jr. says, a grown boy) because they don't know what it feels like to be respected and treated like a Queen from the right man. Unfortunately, it's also those women who end up having daughters who grow up without their fathers and the vicious cycle continues.

I've decided that I don't want to be like those women. I am a grown woman who knows she deserves the best. I know I should be wined and dined by a man who will respect me and treat me like a Queen, and in turn deserves to be treated like a King, but first I know I must work on me so I can give him something to respect. I've asked myself, "if I were to be in a serious relationship with a man right now, what would I bring to the table?" and the answer at this moment is absolutely nothing.

This Single Journey is for me to find myself, for me to find God all over again, and for me to grow to love both unconditionally. I've never done anything so big and bold before in my life, so I know this Journey will be extremely interesting, crazy, terrifying, insane, ridiculous, and all the above at the same damn time.

I hope you enjoy my Journey as much as I will! Thanks for reading!