Monday, December 22, 2014

Just Another Woman With Daddy Issues

Having my own blog is harder than I thought. I feel as though I have been fishing for things to write about and haven't exactly been coming up with anything.I started to write about how I'm so insecure around men, the other night, and noticed that that topic wasn't exactly the most entertaining. I mean, who doesn't suffer from their own insecurities?

I just flew in on Saturday, from Jersey to Florida, to stay down here for the holidays with my father. Something must have possessed him to actually extend an invitation to me, because never have I ever spent Christmas with my father. I spent a Thanksgiving with him one year, but I think I was 10 or 11 years old, and at that time he was still living in New Jersey. I've never spent a Christmas away from my mother, since it's our favorite time of the year to entertain family. My mother's birthday is on Christmas Eve and that's when we start our cooking for Christmas. For my entire life, it's always been just me and my mother; I know no other parent.

First I was nervous to come down to Florida; a little unsure of what exactly would happen between my father and I. Then I started thinking about how close he lives to Orlando, so I figured we would have some fun things to do, like go to Disney. However, that excitement was short lived because my father informed me that my half sister (his daughter from another woman) decided last minute to come down too. I found this news interesting because the decision was "last minute". Why did she choose to suddenly come down to Florida for the Christmas, especially when I was going to be there too? She spent Christmas with our father last year and she had him to herself. She and I don't keep in touch, so we don't have any kind of relationship. Whenever anyone asks me if I have any siblings, I always say no. 

Now you may be reading this and asking yourself, "What's the big deal about spending Christmas with your half sister?" But you must understand the background story.

I'm my father's first child, he has three total and we're all from different women. Myself and my half brother (who is the second child) have grown up without him. My sister is a different story. My father married her mother, a few years after she was born, but the relationship only lasted a short time. Of course he lived with them for a while, so she saw him pretty consistently. It was even thrown in my face that he lived with her and not me (talk about low blow). My father then did what he does best, and that was run from his problems instead of face them; he moved to Florida, a whole 1,200 miles away.

This left all three of us without a father, but my sister wouldn't let go so easily. She keeps in constant contact with him, and he calls her often, even sends her money. I, on the other hand, don't get that privilege. There have been plenty of times I have thought my father stayed away from me as retaliation against my mother; whatever grudge he may have against her, he has taken it out on me. I know that's something shallow and stupid to think about, but you would be surprised about the things people do just to get back at someone else. What my mother has done is something anyone would look at and say "Well that's a stupid reason to dislike her" but I guess love, that has turned into hate, will make you do some crazy ass shit, including neglect your own child.

Oh wait, I just realized I went way off topic...

But back to me and my sister and father. She had him to herself last Christmas, why can't I have that same opportunity this year? I know I sound childish and selfish, but when it comes to the topic of my father, I guess the thought of him just transforms me back to a fatherless child. Yes, I am another fatherless daughter, and I have accepted that fact, but I would still like to have some kind of relationship with him, especially when I have the opportunity to do so. What's sad is that I have my father's features, but that's about the only thing I have in common with him. I feel like he's a stranger; someone I'm still getting to know. I have nothing to talk about with him, there's nothing I want to say to him, even though there's so much to tell.

I've noticed my father isn't the nicest of people either, since I've been down here, he hasn't said one nice thing to me yet. That could be my bias toward him, or maybe it's just me seeing his true colors. What has he done for me in my 26 years of being on this earth? Nothing really. Actually...no...he's shown me the kind of man I don't want to date or even marry, let alone have children with. When I come in contact with a man like him I should run as fast as I can in the opposite direction.

I do need to learn how to forgive him, but forgiving him would be like forgiving someone who stabs you 15 times consistently every day and then runs you over. It's hard for me to forgive, but I guess if I want to prepare myself to have a long term relationship with any man, especially if he is to be my husband, I must start with the first man in my life.

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