My First Blog Post Ever!

I have never blogged in my life! If I've ever had anything to say about the happenings in my life, I always wrote it down in a journal (yes, I said a journal. As in an old fashioned notebook, using an old fashioned writing utensil) and I never shared it with anyone. I guess I just figured it would be something that would keep my spirit alive forever so that my children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren will know who I was and know how I lived.

For those of you who have fallen across my blog, I would like to welcome you. I hope you enjoy what you read in the posts to follow. But I must warn you I tend to be blunt at times and I do have a bit of a potty mouth, so if you are sensitive to cussing and TMI, then I suggest you go find another blog to read. But I'm writing everything from the heart and sometimes the heart just wants to be un-lady-like. Please do not criticize my grammar because it will be completely informal (I graduated 3 years ago from Rutgers University, and that was the last time I had to write any formal research paper). Like I said, if you have any issues with people making up words, or using poor grammar, I suggest you flip to the blog of someone who cares. 

Now let me go into what this blog is all about and why I just randomly decided to start writing one....

I recently just started something I call "My Single Journey" on November 1st. This is a time in my life where I've decided to be completely single until the year 2016. What this means is I will be completely single: no boyfriends, no FBs or Fuck Buddies, no dating partners, nothing that can even be mistaken for a romantic relationship. I thought it may actually be fun to record and share what happens to me during this time in my life.

Since I started dating at the tender age of 16, there has always been a guy "present" in my so called love life. I've always had a crush on someone, or my eyes on someone, or I had an on-and-off boyfriend, or I was just going the no-strings-attached route and went with a fuck buddy. I'm now 26 years old, without a boyfriend, never been married, and I have no children. It was actually when I turned 25, that I realized that maybe, just maybe, it was time for me to actually settle down and look for a nice man to have a long committed relationship with. The only problem was I have a huge fear of commitment!

What's funny was that I never knew I was a commitment-phobe. I had guys I would be physical with and then later figured I would try to have a serious relationship with them. Little did I know, I was actually doing shit backwards and it also explained why I ALWAYS had the worst luck with men. I finally figured this out when I was 25, and made a "decision" to wait until I was in a serious relationship with a guy before I had sex with him. Unfortunately, things didn't work out the way I had hoped.

I moved to Miami, FL shortly after making my "decision", to serve with the AmeriCorps for a year, and was introduced to an older gentleman, who I will call Daniel. Now Daniel wasn't exactly a gorgeous man, but he wasn't bad looking either. To make the longest story short, he and I got to know each other very well, and yes I do mean in the Biblical sense.  This so called relationship lasted for about 10 months.

I liked Daniel a lot, so much so that I wanted to have a serious relationship with him, but for some reason he just wouldn't have it. He showed all signs of being terrified of commitment, but for some reason, I thought I was Super Woman and felt that I was such a great person that he would change his mind and be ready to commit immediately, little did I know it doesn't exactly happen that way. When we spoke about the possibility of marriage and children, just to be funny, I thought he was finally ready to commit, but I was dead wrong.

Daniel eventually stopped talking to me because of a stupid misunderstanding, where he thought I was on a date with his cousin, but in actuality I was only tagging along with my friend on her "date" (it's a crazy long story, maybe I'll mention it another time).

Now from my whole "relationship" with Daniel, anyone would think I was ready to commit and he wasn't, but little did I know, we were actually both in the same boat, just on opposite ends. I figured it out when I found a book called Why Can't I Fall in Love? I looked at the book and thought, "damn, that's exactly the fuckin' question I've been asking myself." After reading a chapter on commitment, I realized then that I was passively avoiding commitment while Daniel was actively avoiding commitment. Who fuckin' knew?!

I figured the only way to actively get over my fear of commitment was to stay by myself for a while; I need to enjoy being by myself to learn to love myself first, before I can be with anyone else. I grew up without my father, or even a consistent father-figure, so I'm just another girl with daddy issues who looks for love in all the wrong places. I've seen so many women who have grown up without a father, who haven't learned to love themselves first, and end up being with the wrong man (or as Tony Gaskins, Jr. says, a grown boy) because they don't know what it feels like to be respected and treated like a Queen from the right man. Unfortunately, it's also those women who end up having daughters who grow up without their fathers and the vicious cycle continues.

I've decided that I don't want to be like those women. I am a grown woman who knows she deserves the best. I know I should be wined and dined by a man who will respect me and treat me like a Queen, and in turn deserves to be treated like a King, but first I know I must work on me so I can give him something to respect. I've asked myself, "if I were to be in a serious relationship with a man right now, what would I bring to the table?" and the answer at this moment is absolutely nothing.

This Single Journey is for me to find myself, for me to find God all over again, and for me to grow to love both unconditionally. I've never done anything so big and bold before in my life, so I know this Journey will be extremely interesting, crazy, terrifying, insane, ridiculous, and all the above at the same damn time.

I hope you enjoy my Journey as much as I will! Thanks for reading!