Harder Than it Looks

I've kind of been MIA for practically the whole month of January. I got back from my "family vacation" and just felt like I needed a vacation from my vacation. My whole entire body feels like it's been drained of all energy, and I feel as though I'm not motivated to do anything. What's wrong with me? I have no clue. I'm sure some people have heard about Energy Suckers and how just being around them just sucks the energy and life out of you, well, I think that's exactly what my family is.

I told my mother about my wonderful trip, and she showed no sympathy. It kind of reminds me of when I was being bullied in middle school and all she did was tell me to not let those kids scare me away. Then of course as an adult when I told her about my experiences with bullying, she acted like I never told her any such thing. Oh well....I guess what's done is done; the trip is finally over, thank you God! I later found out my wonderful aunt was talking bad about me to my mother, telling her how irresponsible I am and all this other stuff. So I guess that gave her good enough reason to treat me like a child. I understand I may have a young face, and yes I may still act as though I'm irresponsible, regarding certain things, but that doesn't give anyone the right to treat me like I'm 10 years old. The last time I checked 26 made me an adult. So yes, I moved back into my mother's house, but still, everyone has their turn at being on Shits Street (unless, of course, you are extremely rich).

I don't tolerate people who kick me while I'm down. I understand everything that's going on with me, and I am doing everything that I can to change my circumstances, but if nothing is working out for me, what's my last resort? To go rob a bank, I guess. My aunt had the audacity to tell me that since I have no children, I'm not an adult. Way to go aunty. Find a way to put me in the same category as the teens and younger kids in the house. That was the only thing she could find that made me a child. I understand I have no children, that's because I have no husband. And I have no husband because I'm trying to get myself right before I enter into a relationship that takes serious commitment. I don't want my husband running around on me because I'm too immature, or not equipped to give him what he needs. And from what I understand that's exactly what she's going through herself; dealing with a husband who can't stay faithful. Don't take your shit out on me.

I already said that I will stop trying to please other people, but yet I'm still self conscious about what others think of me. I guess it's because I have people saying dumb shit to me and about me, that makes me so insecure. How can I expect to have a man fall in love with me and marry me, if I can't even love my damn self?

My journey started out pretty good, but now I'm being tested beyond what I expected. I'm not enjoying my trials, but at the same time I know this is what God wants me to go through. This is His way of refining me; turning me from the lump of coal that I am, into the precious diamond that I will become. I've always heard the saying "This too shall pass" but I keep asking myself, "When?" Embarking on a journey of self improvement is hard work, and it's definitely not for the faint of heart. 2015 just started and I still have a long way to go...